Forget About Feelings, Real Love Is A Deliberate Choice

Love Is A Choice

Love is a choice.

My wife and I have known each other since high school, but didn’t date until much later. We had only dated a couple of weeks before we realized that we were madly in love and wanted to get married.

I was all for it! I even suggested a spontaneous, immediate wedding in Vegas. (Seriously.) Kim, however, was a bit more practical about the whole thing. She wanted to take time to plan it all out.

I felt deflated. “We’re so different,” I said. “You like to plan, while I like to be spontaneous.”

Kim’s eyes widened. “I can be spontaneous!” she said, hurriedly. “I can totally be spontaneous. You just have to tell me in advance when you want to be spontaneous, and I will write it down in my planner…”

I gave her a strange look. She was totally serious! Clearly, Kim did not understand the meaning of spontaneity.

Funny as it may seem, the more I think about this conversation the more I’ve come to realize that planning to love someone—or choosing to love someone—is actually one of the most beautiful things about love.

I’ve heard it said that real love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.

It’s true.

When all the butterflies have fluttered away and your wedding day becomes a distant memory, you will discover that you’ve married someone who is just as imperfect as you. And they, in turn, will come to learn that you have problems, insecurities, struggles, quirks—and body odor—just as real as theirs!

Then you will realize that real love isn’t just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice—a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. Of course, you don’t choose who you’re attracted to, but you definitely choose who you fall in love with and (more importantly) who you stay in love with.

Our society places a lot of emphasis on feelings. We are taught that we should always follow our feelings and do whatever makes us happy. But feelings are very fickle and fleeting. Real love, on the other hand, is like the north star in the storms of life; it is constant, sure, and true. Whenever we’re lost and confused we can find strength in the love that we have chosen.

Besides, life already offers us plenty of spontaneity: rejection, job loss, heartache, disappointment, despair, illness, and a host of other problems. We simply can’t abandon ship every time we encounter a storm in our marriage. Real love is about weathering the storms of life together.

Grandma and Grandpa Adams.

Grandma and Grandpa Adams.

When my grandma was in her fifties, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, a degenerative disease that disrupts the body’s ability to communicate with its nervous system. Within a few short years, Grandma had lost the ability to walk and was confined to a wheelchair. Grandpa, who was then the chief of police, retired two years earlier than planned in order to take care of Grandma. He helped her do everything—from getting around the house and visiting the doctor, to helping her take her medicine and bathe.

In speaking about my grandma, Grandpa once told my mom, “It hurts me to see her like this. You know, when I got married I thought that everything would be smooth sailing. I never imagined that I would have to help her change her catheter every day. But I do it and I don’t mind it—because I love her.”

Love is so much more than some random, euphoric feeling. And real love isn’t always fluffy, cute, and cuddly. More often than not, real love has its sleeves rolled up, dirt and grime smeared on its arms, and sweat dripping down its forehead. Real love asks us to do hard things—to forgive one another, to support each other’s dreams, to comfort in times of grief, or to care for family. Real love isn’t easy—and it’s nothing like the wedding day—but it’s far more meaningful and wonderful.

I recently came across this wonderful quote: “No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.”

Whenever my wife and I run into a problem in our marriage we do our best to choose love. While we’re certainly not perfect, the love we share today is more real and more wonderful than anything we had ever anticipated.

So, whatever spontaneous storm may come our way I plan on loving my wife.

If you truly love someone (and they truly love you), commit to that love and plan on it being hard work.

But also plan on it being the most rewarding work of your life.

Religious Russia vs. Atheist America?

Red Square

In 2008, I was teaching English in Moscow, Russia. After one of my classes, a middle-aged Russian woman lingered behind and we started talking about some of the differences between Russia and America.

Quite unexpectedly, she asked me my opinion as to why America was so wealthy and successful. I was caught off guard by her question and I mumbled some bumper-sticker sentiments about “hard work” and “freedom.”

“I think it’s religion,” she said simply.

Truthfully, I was shocked that she said that (after all, we were in a Russian school building). I furrowed my brow and asked her what she meant.

“Look at all those countries,” she said, gesturing to the large map behind me. “The most successful countries are the countries that practice religion. Especially,” she added, thoughtfully. “The Protestant religions.”

After another half hour or so, we finished our conversation and left the building. But in the years since then, I have thought a lot about what she said.

While I don’t believe that “religious” people are blessed with visible, measurable levels of wealth and success, I do believe that religion—when used properly—is a powerful force for good. Religion can refine our character and teach us timeless truths about life, love, and community.

It’s interesting to me that many Russians—after enduring seventy years of state-enforced atheism—seem to recognize the value of religion. In an column for the Los Angeles Times, Cal Thomas wrote this:

What could be more ironic? Americans are doing what they can to wipe out religion from public schools, while Russians are doing what they can to revive religion in their public schools. Having been without religious freedom for most of [the twentieth] century, Russians apparently see the value of what they lost. Their country having been established on the principles of religious values and expression, Americans flirt with paganism, unaware of what it is like to live in an anti-religious nation. It appears the Russians have learned something from us. It also appears we have learned nothing from them.

But what do you think? Do you think that people (and countries) become more successful if they practice religion? Do you think America’s success is based on its religious heritage? Please leave a comment below, I’d love to know your thoughts!

Awesome/Terrifying News!

Webinar Facebook

So, I’m an introvert.

And if you know me really well, then you’ll know that I prefer gardening over socializing, and writing over speaking.

On top of that, I would much rather be behind the camera than in front of it.

With that in mind, my publisher—Berrett-Koehler Publishers—is hosting an “Ask Me Anything” webinar on Tuesday, October 7th at 6:30 pm PST / 9:30 pm EST.

I’m already sweating bullets…

It’s a free event and I’ve heard a rumor that you might win a free copy of my book if you register HERE >> http://bit.ly/sasamabk

I’m absolutely, totally terrified to do this (honestly, you’d think I were going skydiving or something!) but it should be tons of fun (in hindsight) and I’d love to finally “meet” all of you!

Again, it’s totally FREE and you can register right here >> http://bit.ly/sasamabk

I hope to see you there!

Ask Me Anything?

Ask Me Anything?

13 Scary Books for Halloween

An illustration of Rip Van Winkle, by Ashley Smith Collet

Halloween (and the season surrounding it) is my favorite time of the year—and good books only make it better!

Have you heard of All Hallow’s Read? It’s a wonderful Halloween tradition started by Neil Gaiman (author of The Graveyard Book, Stardust, and Coraline). The point of the tradition is to recommend/give a scary book to a friend during the Halloween season.

And so, in honor of this tradition, here are thirteen of my favorite scary books. I hope you enjoy them!

  1. Wait Till Hellen Comes by Mary Downing Hahn – Although intended for young readers, this is a genuinely spooky book with a great ending. I would recommend it to anyone.
  2. The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander – One of my top ten, all-time favorite books. While it’s not exactly a “Halloween book,” it’s a very suspenseful adventure book featuring a trio of witches that help the main character (and the reader) learn some pretty important lessons about life.
  3. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman – In this award-winning book, Neil Gaiman (who is a spectacular storyteller) tells of a boy who is raised in a graveyard by ghosts and werewolves. A delightful read—an excellent twist on The Jungle Book.
  4. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz – Do you remember reading this book in elementary school? It’s a collection of scary, popular folklore. The grotesque ink illustrations alone are enough to give you nightmares.
  5. Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving – The classic short story about a man, Rip, who is magically enchanted to sleep for twenty years. There are times I envy him.
  6. Revenge of the Witch by Joseph Delaney – If you’re looking for something a little darker (and by “little,” I mean “a lot,”) then try the first book in Delaney’s “Last Apprentice” series. With an assortment of witches, ghosts, blood, and bones, this book is sure to keep you up at night.
  7. A Rose For Emily by William Faulkner – The ending of this little story will make your toes curl.
  8. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J. K. Rowling – This book feels like the most Halloween-y of the Harry Potter series, wouldn’t you agree?
  9. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley – If you want to read some classic Halloween literature with deep insight into human nature, then look no further than Frankenstein.
  10. Coraline by Neil Gaiman – A young girl discovers a hidden door that takes her to her “other mother.” Another deliciously creepy book by Neil Gaiman!
  11. The Silver Chair by C. S. Lewis – This book from the Chronicles of Narnia is PACKED with powerful lessons about addiction and seeing things as they really are. Plus, Puddleglum! :D
  12. The Cask of Amontillado by Edgar Allan Poe – Poe seems to be a treasure trove of all things creepy. This short story (especially if you listen to an audio rendition) will make your hairs stand on end.
  13. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving – My favorite “scary” story. I absolutely love colonial America and the legend of the Headless Horseman (I have a sticker of him on the back of my laptop)!

But what about you? What are YOUR favorite scary stores/books? Please write them in the comments below!

Life Is Like A Garden

“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach

The Garden of Life

The Garden of Life

Gardening is one of my favorite hobbies.

I suppose I’m drawn to it because its a great place for an introvert like me to hide—but I also feel like gardens offer a treasure trove of symbolic lessons about life.

For example, if we understand the laws of nature and how to care for plant life, we can create and cultivate gardens that are overflowing with an abundance of fruits, vegetables, and sweet-smelling flowers. In like manner, if we understand the laws of life, then we can use those laws to our advantage and create and cultivate a life that is overflowing with an abundance of life and purpose.

Earth-bound as we are, our lives seem to follow a pattern of growth that is similar to plants and trees; we move from the isolation of a seed (the self-centeredness of of childhood) to a veritable tree of life (an individual who lives and gives their life for their families and their communities). If our garden is well planted, we have food to share with others.

Comparing our lives to gardens doesn’t deny the fact that life is filled with toil, sweat, and pain, nor does it deny the fact that our lives are often subject to elements completely outside of our control (seasons of growth and abundance, seasons of death and decay, storms, disease, weather). But it also affirms the idea that you have the power to cultivate your life.

I have seen shriveled and weedy gardens in the humid Northwest and have marveled at lush, green gardens in the arid desert of the Southwest. I have seen countryfolk let acres of pristine land fall into disrepair and have seen city-dwellers build spectacular rooftop gardens.

Oftentimes, the richness within the gardens of our lives is less dependent upon what nature (or circumstance) does to it, and more dependent on we do it.

I think one of my favorite lessons I’ve learned from gardening is that all life is dependent upon the lives of others. Plants and gardens simply don’t exist on their own, they require the shared elements of life. No plant can live for itself—it lives because of others and it lives to give life to others.

In a similar way, our lives are not purely for our own will and pleasure. We live because of others and we live to give to others. When we deviate from that and try to live life purely for ourselves, our world withers and our relationships rot. To live for ourselves is to live like a cancer; always taking life but never giving it to others. 

Consider this: the saddest and most difficult times in our lives are the times when human connections are damaged or lost. We often feel depressed when we are misunderstood, hurt, or separated from others. During these times of loneliness, we may feel as though we are experiencing a winter in our souls.

On the other hand, the summers in our lives are the joyful times we share with others. People—with all of the richness and uniqueness of their own lives—are what make our lives vibrant and full. Because our joy in life is inextricably connected to the degree in which we love and embrace others.

This blog post was inspired by my book, Your Life Isn’t For You—order a copy on Amazon.com today!

Are You A Prometheus?

Prometheus

Prometheus – The Greek God

Has a Prometheus ever given you fire?

According to Greek mythology, the Titan Prometheus created man out of clay and taught them to walk uprightly as the Gods. But at that time, the Gods considered man to be an animal; men were creatures without the gift of fire, which made their earth a cold, dark, and harsh place.

In time, Prometheus learned to love mankind and wanted to help them move forward. Because of this love, Prometheus disobeyed the command of Zeus and stole fire from Mount Olympus. He then descended to earth and taught mankind how to build fires. With this gift, mankind could cook their food, build tools, stay warm—and perhaps most importantly—they could have light in the darkness. Some even say that Prometheus lingered and taught man the ways of godliness: organization, medicine, science, writing, mathematics, and agriculture.

In a jealous rage, Zeus punished Prometheus for eternity, banishing him from Mount Olympus forever.

But in spite of Zeus’s fury, mankind was never the same. The gift of fire—or the gift of light—gave them power to become as the gods.

Now I ask again, has a Prometheus ever given you fire? Has someone given you the gift of light when your world was cold, harsh, and dark?

I believe that at various points in our lives we all experience moments of Promethean fire. For whatever reason we may feel as though we are wandering in darkness—lost and afraid. But then someone comes who, because of love, gives us light. And with this light we are able to continue moving forward.

If you have identified someone in your life who has been as Prometheus—someone who gave you light during a period of darkness—I encourage you to reach out and thank them.

And then I encourage you to be as Prometheus—to give the gift of light to others. Because at some point, all of us struggle to move forward and all of us need the light of a Prometheus.

This blogpost was inspired from a section of the book Your Life Isn’t For You, now available on Amazon.com!

My Book Is Officially Published!!!

Your Life Isn't For You in Russia

Holding an advanced copy of my book on Red Square in Moscow (click on the image to order the book)!

Wow! Today is the day that my book, Your Life Isn’t For You, is officially published. It’s a wonderful, absolutely terrifying feeling!!

Here’s the description of my book from the publisher:

In this book, Seth Adam Smith expands on the philosophy behind his extraordinarily popular blog post “Marriage Isn’t for You”—which received over 30 million hits and has been translated into over twenty languages—and shares how living for others can enrich every aspect of your life, just as it has his. With a mix of humor, candor, and compassion, he reveals how, years before his marriage, his self-obsession led to a downward spiral of addiction and depression, culminating in a suicide attempt at the age of twenty. Reflecting on the love and support he experienced in the aftermath, as well as on the lessons he learned from a difficult missionary stint in Russia, his time as a youth leader in the Arizona desert, his marriage, and even a story his father read to him as a child, he shares his deep conviction that the only way you can find your life is to give it away to others.

Your Life Isn't For You

Click on the cover to order your own copy! :D

And here are some great reviews from some really awesome people:

“A brilliantly written and insightful book. Seth’s vulnerability and honesty are irresistible—pulling you in and opening your heart to the possibility of a life without walls.” —Michael J. Merchant, President, ANASAZI Foundation

“Seth’s amazing book illustrates a powerful and proven path to happiness and gently reminds us how easily we forget this profound truth: focusing on others brings the deepest joy.” —Lindsay Hadley, founder and CEO, Hadley Impact Consulting

“Seth Adam Smith has figured out some of life’s greatest lessons through remarkable life experiences and by listening to the great teachers that were placed in his path.” —Sterling C. Tanner, President and Executive Director, Forever Young Foundation

Order a copy today and let me know what you think!

The Hidden Message of Red Square in Moscow…

Holding an advance copy of my book on Red Square. Click on the image to order a copy!

Holding an advance copy of my book on Red Square. Click on the image to order a copy!

In June, I had the amazing opportunity to revisit Moscow, Russia—one of the most beautiful and wonderful places on earth.

As I stood on the cobblestones of Moscow’s famous Red Square (home of St. Basil’s Cathedral), I couldn’t help but think about the true meaning of the term “Red Square.”

The following passage comes from my book, Your Life Isn’t For You:

“Interestingly enough, the name Red Square does not refer to the red bricks of the surrounding buildings; the word red in the Russian language has several meanings. In its archaic form, the word Красная (krasnaya) meant both “red” and “beautiful.” During the sixteenth century, the merchants that traded on the square nicknamed it “beautiful” because of the breathtaking presence of St. Basil’s Cathedral.

“But there’s an even deeper meaning to the color red. In American culture, red has been associated with anger, horror, blood, and death—all very negaitve connotations. But in the Russian culture, the color red is almost the exact opposite. Red is the color of passion, of revolutionary growth, of the blood that keeps us alive, and is a symbolic color for the sun.

“Red, therefore, means both light and life. In a poetic sense, as I was standing on Red Square, I was standing on the very heart of Russia. And in the heart of Russia, my heart was changed.”

Check out the video below to see footage Red Square (all of it filmed by me). Special thanks to David Tolk for letting me use his incredible music.