Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Gosh, thanks for this, you put into words what we all need to realise in this generation where the ‘walmart model’ indeed is increasingly the norm; a selfish way.
Amen to real LOVE!
I would think that if love were REAL one would not have to invent rationalizations for staying in a relationship that they got themselves into. Social pressure can be a very strong dictator, especially if that dictator is your own family.
We can never separate anything on earth from GOD, because without GOD’s blessings, nothing can be achieved by man in everything and in ALL ASPECTS of his life. We must always remember that: GOD is our Creator and Savior.
do not worry about the people who don’t get it. You said what needed to be said under the anointing of The Lord! Those for whom it was meant, GOT IT!
K seriously. Bible thumpers need to shut up already. Marriage isnt even about GOD!! Much like in this article it is about the people you love and wish to love for the rest of your life. GOD has nothing to do with that..
Actually Marriage is a Religious Institution… Irony of your annoyed comment…
JayDee, the first recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies uniting one woman and one man dates from about 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia. And religious institutions didn’t hijack it until the Roman Catholic Church, at the Council of Trent in 1563, wrote the sacramental nature of marriage into canon law. It’s ironic that a bible thumper doesn’t know the history of their own religion beyond a few hundred years, but not that surprising.
Since Adam and Eve were the first woman and man upon the earth, and they were married by commandment of God, I am pretty sure that’s a good fundamental basis for declaring it a religious institution. Then there is this (among numerous others):
GENESIS
2:18-24: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
3:16 Unto the woman he said,. thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband,
17 And unto Adam he said, cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
3:20 And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.
5:2 MALE and FEMALE created he them;
8:16-17 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife and thy sons, and thy sons wives with thee; …..and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
9:1 AND God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
9:7 And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
Further, the huge majority of marriages that have been performed upon this earth since the beginning of time have been performed by religious clergy who declare their authority from God.
WELL SPOKEN NICOLE, A MAN WHO LOST EVERYTHING SUDDENLY,,,,,,, FAITH AND LOVE IS EVERYTHING.. I SMILE ,,,,,LOVE MY THREE WONDER CHILDREN EVERY DAY AND MY EX WIFES PARENTS STILL LOVE ME LIKE A SON.. FUNNY I READ SOME POST AND MY -6-O 245LBS UNION PIPEFITTER BUTT GETS ANGRY 4 A SEC,, BUT I SMILE AND WILL PRAY 4 THOSE THAT ARE STILL SEARCHING,, AND ARE LOST
mr annoyed, sorry to say God knows ALL and who you married. in due time you will know who He is.
DELLett, I like how you said “Since Adam and Eve were the first humans..” as if that’s fact when there is, in fact, ZERO proof of that. That’s your hearsay and the weakest argument I’ve ever heard. Don’t present opinions based on ignorance as facts.
To DELLett
When you take one line out of a story you can make it say something that the whole story doesn’t agree with. I believe you are entitled to believe what you believe and would not tell you your wrong, please afford me the same consideration. Especially if you believe we were all endowed with free choice which I believe is stated in the Good Book.
Thank you.
Okay ANNOYED, stop with the hateful language! I am a very strong believer that everyone should believe what they want to believe and have an opinion but I do not believe that anyone has the right to make someone else feel bad about what they believe in. So have your opinions but express them in a different way! Saying that the “bible thumpers” should shut up is beyond disrespectful and immature. Marriage is about whatever you believe in but just as many, probably more, people get married in churches or in a religious setting than people who don’t. So grow up and learn how to express your opinions without belittling others.
Wisdom comes from many places. You are so right.
To annoyed: This a MORMON blog! Get it? I can understand how you made a mistake you probably followed a link posted on Facebook to this… but seriously?? Bitching at “bible thumpers” while commenting on an article posted on a blog written by a Mormon!? Do you like to wander into churches spewing your anti-christian rant on Sunday mornings?? Your being ridiculous. Do your research next time before going off.
DELLett
What God actually said to Adam was “17 Then to Adam He said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife”
The Apostle Paul said concerning marriage “7 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must [a]fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and [b]come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But this I say by way of concession, not of command. 7 [c]Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that.
8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Marriage is for the flesh. If your looking for a spiritual experience seek a relationship with Jesus Christ.
The trend in the modern church seems to be similar, people are looking to the “church” for what they should be looking to Jesus for. To many “christians” are more in love with the “Bride” ie the “church” than they are with the “Bridegroom” ie Jesus Christ. But in a culture and society of epic narcissistic disorder, people desperate for validation and significance, the “church” can more easily provide the modified contrast many women and, a few men need to feel better about them selves.
About the religion stuff to annoyed and noobystok, marriage has always been applied with religion in one form or another, I’ve studied a lot of history myself and I feel you guys don’t understand what religion really implies. Religion is about the belief in something and in each culture in the past marriage was always tied to that particular cultures religion, religion isn’t just a Christian thing it is Buddhism, paganism, etc… and I find it funny any mention of religion many people get upset about it. Let it be, be better than that, let people express whatever they believe instead of bashing them. And many historians also understand that not everything has been documented so it doesn’t mean marriage did not exist in other religions, it just means that is the oldest records we have.
if marriage is a Religious institution why then can you get married by a judge? It’s a Religious institution if you want it to be, if you want it to be a legal institution it’s up to you!
Marriage is as old as time and there was a Creator who made it. Practically all religions have a form of marriage, as does virtually all cultures. To hear angry comments about “marriage hijacked by Bible thumpers” is ridiculous. You just hate the Bible, and Jesus Christ, that is all. The most beautiful marriage symbolism described in any religious piece of literature is the marriage of Christ and His Church, but this imagery is used to display His great love for His Church in His death upon the Cross. It is not “hijacked”, it is most beautiful display of selflessness of a couple that wants more than just a shacking up or few year’s romance at best. It IS FOR the OTHER person and the FUTURE FAMILY–that is what makes it so special. Just because you think certain groups (and part of your silly assertion is that you ONLY pick on ONE group here, not many or many cultures or ethnic groups that ALSO practice marriage) have no say on marriage or hate that they have made it a primary part of their worship is irrelevant. Just as many want marriage rights for homosexual, many also want marriage kept sacred and not made into something trivial by those that hate the commitment and selfless aspect of it and would even want it destroyed. But you have no right to determine this for the other some six billion people that inhabit this planet. Whether you like it or not, it is here to stay, it is sacred and special and hundreds of millions, if not billions, will still marry and treat it as something all encompassing whether YOU like it or NOT. You certainly have a right to your opinion, but don’t be surprised if the vast majority of us DON’T BUY into what you say, and don’t surprised if you have a problem with the NECESSARY SELFLESS and lifelong commitment aspect of it that you have great trouble finding any partner at all, because sooner or later MOST of us are seeking that soulmate for whom we would almost die for and would LOVE to spend the rest of our lives with. You will be hard pressed to find someone who is willing to say…”Yeah, until maybe five years or ten years from now when we are bored then yeah we’ll break up…” That’s for dating or flings perhaps–I suppose, I choose not to practice that–but NOT for marriage.
From someone who’s been HAPPILY married almost sixteen years, loving it despite lots of our relatives’ problems, and is certainly NOT bored nor wishing to go back. : ))
You Rock Ary!
DEllet, HA! As if Adam and Eve actually existed! lolz!! It’s supposed to be a moral story, not a great one at that but meh what ya gonna do. Marraige has been around well before Jesus existed etc or the other prophets, and since Jesus is the only one who has been constantly documented throughout the other religions too, we’ll make him the proper starting process for this, since it was only after his Christianity arose. His parents were married. Marraige existed before them too. And besides this article is actually for love, and that isn’t based on God only, it’s seen in all religions. Love is the theme here, you silly bible pushers.
To ANNOYED: To Clarify that the Bible has big Significance in history. LAUGH ALL YOU WANT!
I guess MANY people don’t realize In the Bible and other ancient writings the “gods” fly in strange objects, throughout history the same anomalous flying objects appear with glaring consistency, and UFOs are the most common aerial phenomena seen in our modern skies. Any attempt to ignore the clear association of these three facts is unrealistic and simply defies logic. The flying vehicles of the ancient gods, the historical record, and our modern biosphere are not the evidence of a bizarre series of coincidences but overwhelming proof a practical connection.
The Bible
The Gods and divine beings of the Bible travel in rapidly flying, glowing, flashing, spinning, metallic objects, which appear dark and solid like low clouds in daylight, while brightly lit, with projected beams of light at night. This flying objects are described as “Fiery Chariots” it descend to the ground, ascend into the sky, and hover above the ground for long periods, sounds are broadcast from them, and they exhibit power to alter the natural laws. Humans and other beings are described as ascending up into and descending down from these objects and perception of time is altered. In many of the world’s ancient writings those beings called gods commonly fly in objects with very similar descriptions to those in the Bible. Other things like Angels and Fallen Angels come from the Heavens but without any forms of transportation. The Bible mentioned, “Satan is the prince of THIS world,” notice the emphasis on “This World,” it clearly states, we are not the only living beings in the universe.
The Historical Record
Throughout history witnesses have testified to the existence of rapidly flying, glowing, flashing, spinning, metallic objects that appear dark and solid like low clouds in daylight, while brightly lit, with projected beams of light at night. These objects descend to the ground, ascend into the sky, and hover above ground for long periods, sounds are broadcast from them, and exhibit power to alter the natural laws. Humans and other beings are described as ascending up into and descending down from these objects and perception of time is altered.
I think this way to approach marriage is ideal, it should be read by everyone planning to marry.
Dellett: MY dear, the story of Adam and Eve is metaphorical! You are either very young or not very inquisitive and curious.
bible humpers, you’re response is robotic. please don’t waste our time. please present facts and not quotes from a book written thousands of years ago
@ nicole: Not all people who get married are Christian, therefore God doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with it.
@ annoyed: Bible Thumpers are entitled to their opinion. Opinions are much like butt holes, everyone has one. A lot of the time they stink as well.
@ JayDee: The idea of marriage was not always a “Religious Institution”. You should do some research into that once you get an open mind, learn to critically think, and accept that in fact your religion, much less any other one, might very well be incorrect about some if not a lot of things.
@ noobystok: You’re pretty on par with your info. To add to your Bible Thumper comment, the number of people who claim to be Christian, don’t know about the history of Christianity, and don’t practice what they preach is surprisingly high. But with all religions you will get people who cling to a title without knowing what it stands for or believe in it.
@ DEllett: Honey, I’m pretty sure your parents told you not to believe everything you hear & not to believe everything you see on TV. That rule also applies to books, especially books that have been rewritten several times (like the bible!). I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed by now that there are different versions of the bible, you know like the King James version. Given that, just how accurate do you think that book is now? (That’s a rhetorical by the way) You have to take any information, especially information that’s been rewritten as many times as the bible with an air of skepticism. As with any translation things can be misinterpreted (the meaning for some things are lost completely in translation due to cultural differences) or lost as a whole. And what should also be considered is that if what’s being translated doesn’t quite fit the translator’s intentions the translator could just omit/change parts or all of what’s being translated. This means that what you’re reading could be completely inaccurate or corrupted. There is no actual, factual proof to any of the events in the bible and therefore cannot be held to be accurate or true. For all we know, some person could have wrote it as a prank or as an experiment way back when to see if the book/religion would take and gather an actual following (just look as Pastafarianism, which was introduced and gained an actual following). Given that we are a sentient species, cognitive processing isn’t a new thing and has been with us since before the times of ancient Greece and their Philosophers, such thinking (like the aforementioned situation) is a possibility. With that said, I’ll leave you with that food for thought.
@ GREG LANDON: Please come back when you can post with sentient, comprehensive grammar, a more educated and open mind, and once you’ve lost the “text speech”.
@ Pamela Healy: Please stop being the stereotypical, aforementioned type of Christian that was described in my response to noobystok. M’kay Pumpkin?
@ John A. LaFalce: Thank you for having consideration for others beliefs and thank you for asking others to have that same tolerance.
@ Everyone else I did not respond to: I’m sorry for not composing a witty response for your posts as I have run out of time to set some people in their place, agree with others who have tolerance to a difference in beliefs and such, and present a cognitive argument that includes critical thinking to those who try and take the bible as an actual, factual, proven cataloging of events.
Thanks Nicole, I agree. To “Annoyed” I’m sorry you feel this way, marriage WAS God’s idea originally, people make it what they want these days, and it’s not about religion, it’s about relationships.
@annoyed how WRONG u are!!! marriage was made by God and only by God. He is the one who is and who made love. You need to get self together. It is everything about God. Investigate and absorb b4 you make a statement. Don’t talk about what u don’t know!!!!!!
To all the people giving very strong opinions and using disrespectful languages AND bashing each others beliefs (religious or against) why don’t you take it somewhere else and not ruin this beautiful article! This makes people believe that there’s actually LOVE in this world and really the way people treat each by names and all are just ruining the beauty of it all… Why can’t everyone just agree on the fact that the author inspires people instead of ranting about each other… Cause that’s what’s being said here, it’s about others, not you!
Hats off to you Seth 🙂 May you and Kim have a wonderful life
DEllet – The huge majority of marriages since the beginning of time are conducted by clergy under authority of God? Really? I assume, since you are Christian, you mean the God of the old and New Testament.
Since the beginning of marriage itself, there are , literally, hundreds of billions of married Asians who would challenge your math, not to mention hundreds fo millions of Africans, Indians, Native Americans, South Americans, Mongols, Romans, Greeks, etc
I was born and raised in a big.Catholic family. From my personal experience my mother put religion before her husband and her kids. The only reason me parents did not get divorce is because my father had no other family and gave in. we were his only family so made us go with our mother. in the long run it was us kids that got hart. No child should have to give up being a kid to make there mother happy. My mother would make us go to church almost every morning. on Saturday we would have to go to confession and Sunday we would go to mass and Monday morning and the rest of the week. but that would not have been that bad if we went to public or even privet school instead we went home and prayed more. she would make us quit doing our school just to pray then when we where not far enough she would say it was our fault. what i am trying to say is If you are going to get married family your significant other comes before God, any spiritual be leaves, carrier or drugs .
I really appreciated this piece. It was well written, and very true. I enjoyed it until I finished it and got down here to the comments. Some of you people are so freaking DUMB! Just because you believe something to be true does not make it so. Most of your religions are new, in relevance to the history of human kind. And love and marriage were around long before them all. None of your, or even my own, opinions count for squat. They are just opinions. But to come here and try to turn a great blog post about love, into to some religious argument is ridiculous. I do however still feel the need to interject my opinion here, and maybe enlighten a few people that aren’t too close minded to read the rest of this comment.
I recently wrote an ‘essay’ about marriage as I am an Atheist who recently married the love of my life. Marriage has nothing to do with “God”. There are like 3000 “gods” throughout history, what makes you think yours is “the one true god”. I think all religion is a farce and was invented to control the weak-minded. Call me rude or whatever else you want, but this is my opinion on the matter and I feel the need to voice it. I do not have to respect any of you or your dumb religions. So whine all you want.
Here’s what I wrote-
I was recently asked, “Carolyn, if you don’t believe in God or organized religion, why get married?”
First I would like to say that marriage predates religion to a time long before we even have documented proof.
Nature is a good place to look, as creatures of many species mate for life. In ancient Greece and Rome marriage had nothing to do with religion or government. If two people agreed to be married, they held a ceremony with witnesses for legal purposes and that was that. The ceremony itself was secular.
It was only later that religions gained social control over the “institution of marriage”. They don’t have complete legal control of it however, as demonstrated by the marriages that still happen in government offices with two signatures and a witness. Religions did not invent marriage, and it has generally always been possible for couples to marry without involving religious institutions.
Religious involvement with marriage dates back to the middle ages, or even earlier. Since then, as dark-age superstition was replaced with reason, and marriage became a matter of love rather than inheritance, it has become more of a civil matter. Religion still maintains a grip on marriage, just as it continues to assume itself as the only truly moral arbiter, pontificate about education, and trying to influence the legal system. It is fine if people want to believe silly things; it’s another matter entirely when they try to influence the rest of us.
There are still some things society gives married couples (in addition to higher taxes- which highly pisses me off and is a whole other topic in itself!) that they don’t give people who are married in every sense of the word except for having a signed license. On a day to day basis these aren’t important – but need your spouse’s medical insurance, need to be the one to make life and death decisions if there is an accident, need spousal social security benefits, don’t have a will – usually things you don’t need until a crisis – and that little useless piece of paper becomes priceless. No one likes to think about things like that, but it is a reality. If I were in the hospital on life support Ceelyn would not be able to make “the call” if we are not “legally married”. And I can honestly say, Ceelyn knows me (and my wishes) better than anyone on this earth; so of course I want him to be able to make those kind of decisions for me should the need ever arise.
I could go on and on to prove my point here; but the bottom line is, we are each one half of a whole. Ceelyn and I are in love. I want the world to know that he is mine and I am his. Until death do us part! I want to be Mrs. Patterson and religion has nothing to do with it!
To marry is to announce to society that you are a team. I think that the marital vows are even more moving to an atheist than to a theist – after all, an atheist knows that ’til death do us part’ is all the time that we have. To give yourself to one person for your one and only life is a powerful commitment.
I love to see an elderly married couple – a couple who’ve been married for many years and who are still together. Such a couple speak volumes about commitment, sacrifice and the solidity of love in a changing world. Such a marriage is an ideal – not everyone can achieve it – but the fact that I do not believe in a god does not prevent me from wanting or seeking that ideal.
Dear Annoyed,
Your name should be annoying, not annoyed. Marriage is a social institution and religion talks about society also. Only those who just want to do anything without any rules and regulation, they try act the way you are acting…If marriage has nothing to do with God then who gave this idea about goodness and be good to your wife and all..? If it is all about sacrifice and love then every body will define this feeling in different manner. I love my family but can I cheat others just because it is making my family happy? If I love my wife and want to sacrifice for her, then I just go on looting the bank and in return I die to sacrifice my life…and then I can claim that I did it to make my wife happy…
If there is no rule and regulation then this world will be a hell. No body will be able to live a peaceful life and since God made this world (there are enough proof, don’t get fooled by Darwin’s apostles) and only He has got right to make rules, like the manual for a Sony TV should come only from Sony Inc…
If marriage has nothing to do with God then it has no right to exist even. People will just do anything and say that they are doing it to please others. and there can be so many others who will actually be pleased with it. Suppose a girl gets too much obsessed with sex, and you go and please her without even marrying her. Will the father of girl like this and WILL YOU LIKE THIS IF THE SAME HAPPENS TO YOUR GIRL? Marriage has a lot to do with religion and it is a responsibility and only responsible person will understand this. A common human mind has got not enough intelligence to understand this, so I don’b blame you. It takes little more than regularly intelligent mentality so those who don’t have enough intelligence to think about it, please follow the trends set by example setters, who lived their life just to guide us and make us what are the best way of life and any way, that definition and example came from religion only…
Thanks to all those who have been wrestling with the actual content of this blog post.
-Eats popcorn-
Hey Jaydee FYI marriage is a social/cultural institution…not religious. I’m a doctoral student in human development and family studies…religion goes into that process based on cultural norms however your forgetting the millions of people that may not practice a religion and still get married. Next time check your research before you completely disregard others comments… and lets be real if your religious, you can put whatever topic into that context–its a theoretical framework–not a proven fact.
If God and his principles aren’t a big part of your marriage and your family, you haven’t even begun to see what joy is possible in this life!
Annoyed, Genesis was written looong before council of Trent. You were wrong about that one sorry
“under the anointing of the Lord” ? Please describe in concrete terms what this absurd, nonsensical gibberish has to do with anything in reality. Seriously, here is the quintessential exclusionary Religioegocentrism that drives any intelligent person away from religion … they act like kindergartners who have told each other a secret and then bully the other kids on the playground for not knowing their secret. If that is the behavior their God condones he is not much of a God. It is obvious that people who have been indoctrinated into religion, especially from birth, have no capacity for intellectual maturation. The remain perpetual children.
Nicole, that’s exactly what it is. He is talking from a viewpoint that matches Scripture and that’s wonderful because it is the only TRUTH. I don’t know if he realizes it. A man is the head in order to serve his wife. Same with the good shepherd and his flock.
In agreement with you Nicole & Bless you!!!
So God was the first match maker.. well we all know how that ended…
Annoyed or not, you are wrong. I love how people that do not “believe” in God think they have no religion when in fact they worship nothing and believe in nothing on a daily basis. Keep fooling yourselves; atheism is a belief system that takes faith to believe in. To say there is no God is just as provable as to say there is a God.
Thanks Nicole. I love your response!
Your link is the best. Wondering which planet did this “Seth” come from, Disneyland where magic never ends?
You missed the point. Lucky for you that ignorance is bliss because I don’t believe you ever will.
Right. When we write, speak or study on the subject of love, Ayn Rand is the go-to world renowned and historical expert on the matter. Her legacy on concept of love has no equal……..?
Except that, I have never in my life heard anyone quote Ayn Rand on this subject, nor do I know anybody who has. Nor am I aware of any success of her’s on this subject. Unless you equate Objectivism with love?
Now if you want to talk about my relationship with my government, then Ayn Rand may be considered a go-to gal.
This appears to be her experience with love:
Wikipedia: In 1964 Nathaniel Branden began an affair with the young actress Patrecia Scott, whom he later married. Nathaniel and Barbara Branden kept the affair hidden from Rand. When she learned of it in 1968, though her romantic relationship with Branden had already ended,[83] Rand terminated her relationship with both Brandens, which led to the closure of NBI.[84] Rand published an article in The Objectivist repudiating Nathaniel Branden for dishonesty and other “irrational behavior in his private life”.[85] Branden later apologized in an interview to “every student of Objectivism” for “perpetuating the Ayn Rand mystique” and for “contributing to that dreadful atmosphere of intellectual repressiveness that pervades the Objectivist movement.”[86] In subsequent years, Rand and several more of her closest associates parted company.
Imagine! Repudiating Nathaniel for pursuing his own interests. OMG! What would a real Objectivist say?
Thank you! Absolute rubbish.
Ayn Rand was who came to mind for me too when I read this.
This is what I said to the person who shared this link with me:
“I’m afraid I have to disagree here. Investing all of yourself in maintaining your partner’s happiness is to give up your self identity. A committed relationship needs you to be yourself independently, then you can make your partner a part of your identity, and that person can do the same. Being able to exist independently isn’t selfish. Saying it’s selfish suggests that no one can be a complete human being without a partner.
I’m not trying to put down the concept of “true” love, the value of a good relationship, or anything like that. I’m just saying this as a person with a string of relationships that have failed because of co-dependency issues, having learned from mistakes, and who is finally in a relationship I’d really consider healthy. I just wanted to present another side of the coin.
Yes, being in a committed relationship isn’t just about you; there needs to be compromises and selfless acts, and you do need to put yourself on hold sometimes and focus your energy on your partner; but it isn’t just about the other person either. I think the “Walmart philosophy” this blogger describes is the sensible option. If your relationship doesn’t make you happy it doesn’t mean you should just suck it up and do whatever it takes to make your partner happy; that’ll suck the life right out of you. You should go find another one. Whether or not you subscribe to the concept of fate, true love, “the one” or whatever you want to call it, that “perfect” relationship needs to make you happy. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t the perfect relationship in the first place, and that leads to trouble later on. If you learn what doesn’t work for you, you can better recognize and appreciate the things that do work.”
Thank you for this comment. Exactly what I wanted to say. OP sounds like many people in Co-Dependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families, before recovery. This “fantastical” view of love is dangerous in practice.
I’m from the generation that sucked it up and marriage was “til death do us part.”m When I warned that I was going to end up in a padded cell if I didn’t do something, I went ahead and did it. Went back to school. There was no welfare in those days to tide a woman over until she was making a salary, and jobs were scarce. I was not competent enough anyway, to go to school, take care of a home, and a bunch of children all at once. Now, I could do it, but not then. We eventually divorced, and the children thank me to this day that I did go back to school. But, it all left scars. The original wounds began to be inflicted early —when I was overworked as a wife and mother and marriage was the Christian one of he is the head of the house, even if he didn’t know beans about children and marriage. I didn’t know much either, and had a contentious personality, but I was willing to learn. We got worthless clergy “counseling over the years, too. Two good people who meant well, but couldn’t get out early on. Our religion dictated we stay at it to the bitter end. It didn’t have to be bitter? Easy to say. My vote is for getting out when animosity arises against one another, no matter the cause. One secret is to accumulate your own nest egg with your own money earned in your own profession or occupation BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED, so you can make a major change and not subject yourself, your partner, or your children and extended family to great disadvantage and unhappiness.
Just a slight comment on the link Mike provided: this is just a play of words that cannot be applied in all languages. In Slovak, we don’t say “I love you”, there’s no “I” in the sentence, like the author is saying. We say something like “love you”. Now it’s only on your imagination and/or fleelings how much of “I” is implied in “love” or if it is there at all.
Wow. A similar case is in the Filipino language. ‘I love you’ is translated ‘Mahal kita.’ ‘Kita’ is not the translation for ‘I’ and I don’t think there is a direct translation of it in English. But it’s a pronoun that refers to the concept of joining others with oneself (inclusion/acceptance of others). And I think it’s a nice ‘coincidence’ that another meaning of ‘mahal’ is precious or expensive. 😀
Thanks for sharing this. It’s another way of looking at things, and it’s not any more right or wrong than telling you to go and read the bible to learn more about love. Things are not just black or white, right or wrong, etc. There’s a whole wide range of possibilities in between those extremes, and whichever one works best for you as an individual is probably the one you should pursue.
I think it’s a little bit sad to call things “rubbish” just because you can’t understand them or don’t believe they could be possible.
How is it possible that the “rubbish” he writes is the key to happy relationships of so many people I know?
exactly. “Rubbish”, “Bible Thumper”, nice comments from the supposedly progressive, diversity-promoting, folks. Diversity, as long as everyone agrees!
I think, perhaps, the secular world would be a little more tolerant of Mormons if they’d stop trying to inject their beliefs into laws and using church funds to oppose rights to millions of people because they disapprove of their lifestyle. Mormons crying about intolerance is like the KKK whining because someone told them they’re mean. I was raised in the LDS church. I went to Rick’s. Then I spent most of my 20’s figuring out how anyone could be honest with themselves and believe in such a farce. Yes, I called it a farce. That is my belief as I have witnessed absolutely nothing that would make me think or feel otherwise. I still have many Mormon family members and friends and I will respect their views as long as they respect others. Most don’t, so I don’t waste my time on them. A few are open-minded and tolerant. They deserve respect because they give it. Those who can’t handle even the tiniest bit of criticism (and being called a Bible Thumper is pretty insignificant) while trying to deny other groups of their basic civil rights are the reason I will never set foot in a church again.
I agree with your statement. Love is indeed powerful and so is marriage shared by two people and the relationship they will build together is not “rubbish.”
Thanks, Mike. “I” agree with you and Ms. Rand. I wonder what kind of lost person the author is? I get the feeling that we can expect a midlife crisis from him in twenty years. He doesnt understand that his life is his and is to be lived as such. To forfeit your own living for others is not the same as sacrificing your life for another. One is a fool, the other is a hero.
Quite profound actually
I just realized after all these comments (interesting enough), WE need a life DWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heros are the fools
Thanks for such a great write up. Marriage is never just about yourself, it should never be.
This article clearly provides the ingredients for a truly happy and long marriage. I’ve often heard it said that, “marriage is a 50/50 deal”, well I disagree. Marriage is a 100/100 percent deal with both needing to be 100% committed, plus without Faith in Jesus Christ, a marriage is doomed to fail.
The billions of non-christians would disagree
Then how do gay people get married until they’re dead? ohh wait, I forgot that’s illogical because without jesus apparently anything un-holy is impossible…. DAS RITE!!!
How dare you judge others. My wife is religious and I am a atheist yet I still love. MY marriage has not failed because I don’t believe in God, we’ve been together for 29 years of which 26 years happily married. I don’t know if Christ was real or not but he’s been written about for a long time so I believe he existed but realize that the bible is taken from what people wrote about and that doesn’t mean it really happened. I accept that you have the right to believe what you believe and would never condemn you for it, all I ask is you give me the same consideration,. Just think if the book War the worlds was written a couple of thousands years ago and when it is discovered latter on could we think that because somebody wrote this it really happened. Also think about something happens and a large group of people view it and then write about it, they will all read a little different and some quite a bit different. So which story do we believe latter on because it is possible that the one that is most different may be the most correct one. Any thing is possible we learn that as we look at our world. Possible not necessarily probable but POSSIBLE, open your mind up to that and you will be filled with wonder.
I think you’re being a bit narrow minded, Steve. I’m sure there are plenty of non-Christians with long, happy marriages.
so evidently every marriage before Christ was born ended in a divorce? Who knew?
with no disrespect intended, it seems you are saying that before Christ was born, there were no happy or successful marriages?
Of course there were good marriages before Jesus Christ was born. The principles actually are in the Old Testament, as someone else said. Adam and Eve, but if people don’t choose to believe in that or God or have faith, they are free to choose that – KATHERINE. You are one cold hearted woman, to respond to my comment ‘above’. The irreligious people commenting are so filled with hatred and anger. The article is written BY a Christian man, for goodness sake. Why are you even reading and commenting about it, if you don’t agree from the get go? Move on and examine something else today.
Most of the world is married and doing just fine without anything to do with jesus
i truly agree with you 🙂
I agree with everything you said, until you were an fool. No religion is required for any marriage. And when people are religious and married, they don’t have to be Christian.
Wow, if that is not a small minded view point then it is a no minded viewpoint.
— From a Christian with common sense.
To Steve: AMEN!!! Love your comments.
To Steve: AMEN!!!! Love your comments.
Thank you Steve ….. I agree
hmmmm …. really … my parents have no use for the church or religion of any kind and this past september they celebrated 54 yrs of marriage … as the article says it’s about love, commitment and wanting to be of service and make another happy … and yes my parents are still very happy together … they spend a lot of time together and rarely do i ever hear a harsh word from either one to the other … love is the answer to all questions and the only thing that will heal our world 🙂
I am certain that mine is not the only intelligence insulted by this primitive religioegocentrism and discrimination. It is precisely this “Christian” behavior that drives me to the atheist camp, where opinions are informed by education, human intelligence, reason, sense, sensibility and human compassion, things utterly lacking by practitioners of the Christian faith. The implication that people are incapable of functioning without the Christ crutch is absurd as it is insulting. A relationship founded on this basis is dangling from a thin fragile thread that has no basis in reason or fact and without the belief in the fairy tale, reality either. More doomed marriages form under pressure from these ego maniacal sociopathic dictators who demand that not only thought and reason be tossed to the wind, but love as well, to be subordinated to the whims of the supreme dictator as interpreted by the fascist group of humans who that claim they have a private line in. Bah! Love is freely given, it is not a matter for the meddling of indoctrinated from birth bullies by whose faith delusion the dulled intellect can never mature.
What you have said is so laughable. You think that intellect and reason will ever outweigh a true faith in Jesus Christ our Saviour…. do you think that your intellectual reasoning skills will surpass the peace, love and understand that us christians actually have? If you or your relative are on their death bed, where is all that going to get you? Patronising and condescending. YOu have no idea how much intellect, reasoning, reasearch has gone before the acceptance of Christ, my saviour. It is idiots that pass our faith off as fairytales and a crutch ….. I feel so sad for you. Yes, I used to live in darkness the way you did, thinking I knew more than people from my local church did. Put your so called ‘intellect’ to one side, go and sit and LISTEN to what people have to say in church. read your intellectual matter and see how it links with biblical matters. You just speak on behalf of every ignorant, fearful atheist out there.
Horrendous comment Steve. Particularly from someone who claims to be christian. Started well but ultimate sums up everything people despise about religion. Preachy, naive and judgmental.
I am a Hindu, My marriage is actually going well. My parents, grandparents and uncles all had great marriages. By the way billions of non-Christians are married and happy. Wonder if you have an explanation for that??? Wishing you the best Steve, Let your belief save you!!
Thanks Steve, Jesus is the answer to a happy and a fulfilled marriage. I know what i’m talking about cuz He’s a big part of our marriage.
My wife and mine wedding invitation show a little boy and girl holding hands and walking through a meadow. The caption written across it said “Today I marry my best friend”. We both still believe that 26 years latter. We’ve had good times and bad times and we’ve made it through it all because we are friends and lovers. We look forward to many more years together.
Perhaps you also made it through the bad times, because your wife loved you like Christ loves her, and she didn’t react like the angry unbeliever above apparently would have. Seriously, she has Christian faith, and I can promise you, that she is praying FOR you every single day, and she is loving you through those hard times. It is so much ‘easier’ to react and hurt you back, but she has held her tongue, she has prayed for forgiveness, she has prayed for more and more love for you, to continue the excellent relationship you guys have. Show her this reply, and watch her eyes tear up, and tell me in a reply if a lot of what I said was denied by her. I’m sure you have been wonderful to her, too, as we are all given what’s called “common grace”, not to mention people raised in generally ‘good’ surroundings have what’s called being “societially good”. Otherwise, the world would be complete chaos (yeah, I know, sometimes it seems like it is, but honestly, it could be a lot worse if people were not societally good.) I hope this didn’t seem like an attack, because it’s not meant to, it’s just thoughts that I wanted to share with you with respect. Your comments were respectful and I appreciated them. You seem like a good guy and a great husband.
Unbelievable how some people, ( like Kate below) believes that only her way is the right way. THAT is narrow-minded, self-centered, ignorant thinking .
Amen.What a Blessing…That is LOVE
In my dreams your dreams come true. If we go into marriage with that thought from both we can make it the best marriage possible. I love what Seth stated.
To Urdum…..I always find it amusing and sad that people who claim there is no proof of Adam and Eve fail to see the billions of people on this planet…Uh…where do you think they came from?! Its far easier and with far more proof to believe in an Amazingly loving Creator than to try to rescue the idiocy of some ‘primordial soup’ of upteen billions of years ago. Where’s the proof of that? Is there still some sitting in some jar in a lab somewhere? The evolution THEORY is so full of holes that it’s just one big joke. Look in the dictionary for the definition of theory…..very interesting. Am I a Bible thumper?!……NO! I’m a Bible reader and have looked at the evidence it presents without a jaundiced eye. Any questions….ask the next people who knock on your door to talk about the solution to the world’s mess! You know who they are 🙂 🙂
To Cathy …… A scientific theory summarizes a hypothesis or group of hypotheses that have been supported with repeated testing. If enough evidence accumulates to support a hypothesis, it moves to the next step—known as a theory—in the scientific method and becomes accepted as a valid explanation of a phenomenon. When used in non-scientific context, the word “theory” implies that something is unproven or speculative. As used in science, however, it is almost exactly the opposite. It’s very interesting when someone with average knowledge of science finds themselves proven wrong.
Say folks. this is an article on marriage, not on proof of a creator or not. I now see comments all over from homosexuals, atheists, disgruntled people regarding commitment, proofs of this and that and please forgive me brothers and sisters, religious people taking the bait. These things have nothing to do with COMMITMENT to another person for life. Sure, I am a Christian, and I think faith in Jesus Christ and much more, FOLLOWING CHRIST in all your actions, thought and words as much as possible is the best recipe for a successful marriage as well as holy life, but I find it ridiculous that an article on the selfless act of marriage has turned into a debate between dozens of OTHER “this or that” assertions. Can’t we just leave it at MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR YOU BUT FOR THE OTHER PERSON? I mean, that IS the point–not how the earth was made or WHO made it or more religion bashing by atheists or homosexuals or knock down drag out fights regarding all these issues. That is part of the problem. Jesus was the ULTIMATE selfless person, like it or not, and I am not bashing any atheists or homosexuals by that assertion. I merely state my faith, you have no right to try to take that away or to bring religion bashing into the discussion just because you find it a “faith” institution, I am sorry, but it IS a FAITH institution, you are TRUSTING the other person to stay FAITHFUL to you, whether you hold the ceremony in a church, mosque, temple, or other setting or whether you file it with a justice of the peace and then a have a party, it is still an exercise in FAITH. At the same time, you have all the right in the world, right and left, atheist and religious, homosexual or not, creator or non creator crowd, to debate those issues here, but again, what is this article REALLY ABOUT?? If we are to have a debate, it would be more fitting that those who don’t believe in a marriage commitment debate those that do. That is more fitting for the topic than all the other side issues cropping up here. And really, if FAITH and COMMITMENT don’t exist in a marriage, then it is not a marriage, it is a “fun” ceremony and time of living together with no real meaning, certainly not pertaining to “until death do us part”…We all might do well sticking to the topic.
Well said, Ary
To John Prokop
You can laugh all you want with my post here:
I am not a Science wiz like you but I do know and I guess people don’t realize In the Bible and other ancient writings the “gods” fly in strange objects, throughout history the same anomalous flying objects appear with glaring consistency, and UFOs are the most common aerial phenomena seen in our modern skies. Any attempt to ignore the clear association of these three facts is unrealistic and simply defies logic. The flying vehicles of the ancient gods, the historical record, and our modern biosphere are not the evidence of a bizarre series of coincidences but overwhelming proof a practical connection.
The Bible
The Gods and divine beings of the Bible travel in rapidly flying, glowing, flashing, spinning, metallic objects, which appear dark and solid like low clouds in daylight, while brightly lit, with projected beams of light at night. These objects descend to the ground, ascend into the sky, and hover above the ground for long periods, sounds are broadcast from them, and they exhibit power to alter the natural laws. Humans and other beings are described as ascending up into and descending down from these objects and perception of time is altered. In many of the world’s ancient writings those beings called gods commonly fly in objects with very similar descriptions to those in the Bible.
The Historical Record
Throughout history witnesses have testified to the existence of rapidly flying, glowing, flashing, spinning, metallic objects that appear dark and solid like low clouds in daylight, while brightly lit, with projected beams of light at night. These objects descend to the ground, ascend into the sky, and hover above ground for long periods, sounds are broadcast from them, and exhibit power to alter the natural laws. Humans and other beings are described as ascending up into and descending down from these objects and perception of time is altered.
Its kind of funny… the whole time i’m reading the comments on this article i’m thinking how off topic the thread has become. “This is an article on marriage, not on proof of a creator or not”–Well said ARY!
Cathy u can’t understand our existence by trying to overstand it with your mind. Your mind is just a tool to be used by u to survive. Have u ever tried to stop thinking? Most can’t. Why is that? Because your mind has taken you over like the water in a raging river. You should be able to control your mind and stop thinking. When u can do that u will realize that there is something greater in you than your mind. That thing will help you to know the truth….
And yet was is so interesting about evolution is that none of it has been proven to be accurate….a dog is still a dog, a tree is still a tree,… humans are still human, (although albeit, that one MAY be argued since often anymore, some can be aptly described as something entirely different, altho I’m not sure what:(…) What in the evolution theory has been proven…or if you prefer,…the evolutionary hypothesis?? And to address Ary’s comment…yes the article was about marriage and it was well written and well said. If only more people would see marriage as an opportunity to do something for someone else as opposed to self, the world would be a much better place. Alas, not to be! I can understand why there are so many against so called “christianity”, however, since most of the major wars that the world has ever seen were backed by “loving, thoughtful, Christ-following christians”. But, what’s sad is when people who hate “christians”, throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. Do not blame the God of the Bible for the problems and insanity of so-called christians…it is not His fault that they fail to follow the example of His son.
This is for AmyW…what scriptures are you looking at to see these spinning flashing flying objects? If you
referring to Ezekiel…take a little closer examination of what is being depicted there….we are fleshly, very visual beings. The vision that Jehovah gave to Ezekiel was to give him an idea of enormity, the organization and promptness with which His heavenly organization runs. It was not an example of flying saucers.
Cathy, I agree with you. All those who don’t believe in God or creation should ask the next person who knocks at there door, knowing and learning the truth about marriage and others, life starts with a humble heart and a reasoning mind. We all have each.
But what about you; your dreams and aspirations? All that doesn’t disappear when you get married. So you need someone who will compliment you and support your dreams for a lifetime. I feel marriage is about understanding and sacrifice but not forgetting about your individual destiny; your partner becomes apart of your journey and you apart of theirs. I don’t believe that wanting to live your life even after marriage is selfish, I believe that’s reality.
Zantina,I think it’s about the mutual meeting of each others needs. I give you what you need to the best of my ability and I need the same from my spouse.
Wow this was creepy. Glad to be married, Child-Free, and blissfully dismissive of everything you’ve said here.
The whole world is equally glad you’re not reproducing.
The only thing that matters at the end of ones life is the relationships they have developed. Marriage is a messy business and not for everyone. The same can be said for having children. It takes a lot of self sacrifice, patience and responsiblity to nurture a marriage. For the past two years I have watched helplessly as my wife suffers from the early onset of Parkinson’ Disease – she is only 41 years old. I know that I would do absolutely anything to relieve her suffering. I know that I would sacrifice my own life to make her well again. I also know that it is a privilege and an honor to share someones life with them. It is an honor for them to let you into the most intimate parts of their world, for them to be vulnerable to you and you to them. It is a sacred relationship that a husband and a wife have with each other and this relationship is made even more sacred when you have children. Even though my wife and I have always been religious I truly believe that marriage is as sacred as you make it, whether you’re religious or not.
God bless you both
The Walmart model is in complete complicity with this article: marry, doesn’t matter whom, just marry to breed, makes lots of children, eg a big market for TOYS made by mattel and other mega corporations and buy enormous SUV’s in which to pile the cheap plastic garbage made in china into, along with the kids who demand it while burning a lot of GAS, a boon to the oil industry. When they need more OIL to supply plastic for your barbies and gas for your gas guzzling SUV, you can send your kids to the oil rich zones of Iraq and Iran to get killed so that you can make more phony marriages to produce more kids to kill for mega corporation America to make profits. Forget about yourself, make the “family” happy by making lots of heirs to their (empire? foreclosed homes, poverty?) And if you are lacking in emotional satisfaction, get a mistress. It is all about THEM, after all, not you.
Funny, in my opinion I see singles and dinks (dual income, no kids) as the ones who have funds to consume the most and large families having to go without all of the luxuries you have stated in order to meet the needs of each individual as money just simply isn’t there.
So it is not okay to love ones self? To love your self and to accept yourself as who you are is normal and healthy. To say to be in love is only to be about the other person is totally bogus. It’s about the love you have for each other as partners, it’s a commitment and pact you make to one another to be true to one another forsaking all others. My girlfriend and me are totally in love and its not because I only love her and she only loves m, it’s cause we love one another. Be proud of who you are love yourself cause that’s only going to make the love you have for each other even stronger if your happy with who you are, cause if your not happy with yourself how can you make anyone else happy? Also you can search for answers from the bible or any other religious beliefs but it boils down to your faith in whatever you believe in, no said religion is right or wrong cause it’s just a matter of personal choice.
U ve mAde my day,nw I knw waat mArriage is all Abut,tnxs so much 4
but i am not gettinig it back, instead i get a husband who has sex in his office wuth his collegue who once was my friend. He also recorded them on his phone and my three children saw the video by mistake, but they saw it
what an inspiring message to send out there. i have always known love/marriage is for the selfless ones but it is equally important that others know and understand this.God bless Seth!
Ivey, Thank you ! With Love! I do not keep up with Facebook so when they come in I don’t always follow through. Keeping up with my own family is pretty full time. Elizabeth just call me to say that I had not responded to her e-mail announcing that Carolyn and Jerry had welcomed Ava Sawyer Jean into our family on Thursday and that she was born in their New york home and with the help of the Doula ( current Midwife approach) and the help of a birthing pool and a birthing chair Jerry caught Ava as she propperly arrived head head first into his waiting hands! He is happily looking after Ava and Carolyn looking after their every needs. Reading your wonderful letter needs my immediate note to say thank you. And thank you for translating your other comments! I do not do well in Spanish. Your letter on marriage is the way Mother and Daddy taught Sister and me to live our lives and I have tried to do just that Praying that God will help me to make somebody Happy that day. It has made my day better too. You have made me Happy on November 9,2013. Now i must congratulate Ava Sawyer Jean and her parents. Love, Aunt Betsy
It is a real and wonderful example of love, love is not selfish, I am really with accordance with this advice, if you love, you respect, first the person you love. Thank you so much. I will forthward this to my children. yours, from Dallas, Tx.
Emperatriz Perez
I agree. Thanks Seth for the reminder. I’m still learning this even though I’ve almost been married 5 years. This reminds me of a favorite quote from Gordon B. Hinckley in ”Stand a Little Taller,” “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one’s companion.”
Thanks So Much for your Insight!! Made me realise I’m doing the right thing! Leaving a Quarter of a century of pure Hell being married to an Irish Catholic Racist Selfish Split tail!! Who controllingly almost killed all of my spirit, I Finally grew som much needed testicals… and moved out in June!! Since this woman is fighting to maintain control of this situation, Our final hearing and judgement is so so Ironic I hade to post this Febuary Fourteenth, 2014!! I’m planning a Cruise for the end of that month!! Alone and HAPPY!!
I entered into my marriage over 30 years ago with these same beliefs. Unfortunately, the person that I married has never reciprocated these sentiments. Some people are givers and some are takers. It gets lonely when you’re the only one giving.