Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
You better tell the Princess brigade of self centered female who think the perfect partner is a man domesticated to a mere trained house pet.
Woah there…
Wow, you must be my soon-to-be ex-husband. He, too thinks exactly what you said. When in truth, all I wanted was someone to listen and not call me an idiot, who didn’t belittle, and who worked hard for his family. Adios to him. He will always be in out daughter’s life, but he will not get to spend his life enjoying me and all my giving spirit has to offer.
This is where you need to realize that that man you will soon call ‘ex’ is your daughter’s first impression of a husband to be…. Yeah, he will always be in your daughter’s life, and hopefully you and she can work together to learn that there are more loving men out there than he. And, you need to take ‘you’ out of the picture and put your daughter in – she matters too!
Your husband, and every other husband, is in dire need of reading – The Key to Becoming a Strong and Irresistible Husband is DISCOVERING THE MIND OF A WOMAN by wise, Christ-like Ken Nair.
somebody broke this man’s heart. and it was probably his mother…
AFTER 25 YEARS AND 3 WONDERFUL CHILDREN MY WIFE MOVED ON,,BUT I LOVE AND RESPECT HER STILL, AND THANK GOD 4 HER AND OUR FAMILY,, AND MY GIFT I STILL HAVE,,AND FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN…
Look at the defensive Oprah gens jump on this and blame the male.
You failed at your attempt to sound educated.This isn’t even a properly formulated sentence.
Standing ovation directed towards you, anat. The “women have their cake and eat it too” mentality is crippling marriages.
Maybe you haven’t grown up enough yet to be able to find a mature Woman in lieu of the princess you refer to. Most women and most men are good people willing to give and share in a relationship. If all you found was a selfish princess, don’t lay the blame at real Women’s feet, lay the blame on yourself for not opening your eyes sooner.
Nope. The perfect man in NOT a trained house pet. He is a man who 1) works to support his family – his, his wife’s and his children’s needs and some of their wants BEFORE he takes for his wants (needs must always be met) 2) a kind hearted soul, gentle and loving to his family and friends 3) loyal to his wife, to his children, to his family, to his friends 4) fierce against the temptations and enemies who always find their way into life 5) able to be independent, meaning he should be dependent upon his wife or children for emotional/financial/psychological needs; however, these aspects of life should be enhanced by wife and children 6) secure – secure men don’t cheat.
And, the perfect woman? Well, yes, she needs to be the compliment of above, providing the same as the perfect man does for her, while still being independent and able to survive on her own.