Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
This is amazing. Beautiful. Spectacular. Incredible. I hope that one day I am lucky enough to be married and I hope that my future husband believes just this.
What you mean is you hope YOU believe and do all this. That’s the point. In other words, if you do this then he will reciprocate.
Eeek. Of course. 🙂 But ……well. Yes.
No, Heather was right the first time…hopefully her husband feels that way TOO. It It won’t work if only she feels that way.
I absolutely agree with Heather. This article made a good point about how important it is to be giving and unselfish in marriage, but I don’t totally agree with everything it says. Marriage IS for you, but it isn’t ONLY for you. In his case, that advice worked, because he and his now wife were already best friends, knew that they were compatible and loved each other, but I and a lot of people I know could have ended up in unhappy marriages if we had just had the attitude of ‘it doesn’t matter if it makes me happy so long as I can make him/her happy.’
The article made some fantastic points, such as how love is about giving, and the counsel to go into a marriage with the attitude of ‘what can I do to make him/her happy?’ rather than ‘what if I’m not happy?’ is fantastic. Both partners have to be invested in that, though. I would contest that marriage isn’t ABOUT you, but it certainly is FOR you. It’s perfectly acceptable and extremely wise for any person to hope that their future husband or wife has this attitude. While one can cultivate this attitude within himself or herself, he or she really should be hoping for and expecting to have a spouse who feels the same way about love and marriage and who is willing to do the same thing. People are not vending machines. What they deal out isn’t necessarily reciprocal to what you put in. Self sacrifice without compatibility and teamwork may end up being counterproductive and conducive to weak and unhappy families.
Marriage is hard – wonderful, but hard – and people who think that it’s all about being a martyr are going to end up getting into a relationship that’s harder than it needs to be. Sorry, I know I’m long-winded. I guess all I’m trying to say is that I agree with Heather. Go ahead and expect that – nay, require it – of your future husband.
Thank you! I can’t begin to imagine how hard marriage will be, if I’m ever lucky enough TO Get married…but, you nailed it. I expect him to give 110% too ….. not just me. 🙂
Caitlin,
I’ve been there more than once. Hoping I could love and give enough for the both of us and crying, wondering why I wasn’t enough. These were relationships that started as friends and maybe should have stayed that way. I’ll admit my choices in partners needs some work.
But giving and loving without an expectation of receiving it in return isn’t always selfless. It can be destructive and change a person.
I’m not jaded or bitter. I still believe in love and taking care of each other and family. But it takes attention, effort and accountability to each other. Marriage can’t be for one person.
Laura,
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who had this reaction to the article. I’m happily married now, but reading it took me back to my naive and somewhat confused single self. An article like this could easily have pushed me into a relationship, or even a marriage, that would not have been right for me. Best of luck to you!