Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
I’ve been married for 14 years. This is exactly the attitude I approached my marriage with. For the first few years all of this was exactly true. Then after years and years of giving and doing everything I could for my wife, something changed. I don’t mind giving her everything and doing everything I can for her. I love to in fact. But after years and years of marriage when that attitude is not reciprocated life gets really hard. It seems the more I give the less she gives back. I’m really frustrated if you can’t tell. Now it’s like raising the kids is a business and we’re business partners. She hates it when I kiss her or hug her or touch her in any way. SMH. Like I said, I keep trying to do things to make her happy, but every time I try somehow it backfires and I get burned. I’m about to go do the dishes right now (because I have this sickening never give up gene in me and even after 14 years I still try my best to do everything I can to make her happy) but years of experience tell me it will make no difference. SMH.
Have you thought about going to marriage counseling? It’s NOT an embarrassment to do that. So many more people go than you think. You wife just needs an attitude adjustment and it’s not your fault. She may not even mean to or know she is hurting you so badly. The love you first had when you were married CAN come back. I have seen it happen so many times. It takes work (for both parties). Do you know what her love language is? Have you tried loving her in the ways she feels loved not in just the ways you feel loved? My husband is a giver and a server. However, my love language is quality time. He can serve me by doing the dishes (which he does) cleaning the house, cooking dinner but if he doesn’t spend any time with me I don’t feel loved and I begin to feel bitter. It’s not right of me, and I appreciate what he does.. but I still love to feel loved as a woman. Maybe try romancing her in a way she doesn’t expect.
I know you mean well. I can tell through your words you are a kind person. While I do advocate for counseling, love language books, etc, DO NOT feel bad if these don’t work. None of these things changed our relationship. Infact he treats me worse then ever. The thing is, is that unconditional love isn’t the only thing a marriage needs. It does take two people working to make a marriage. I can try, and have been for years, but if he doesn’t give an effort it doesn’t matter. He refuses to put in any effort. Period. It won’t ever be good. I have given that man ever ounce of my being. It doesn’t matter. When we have talked about divorce in our counseling, I am not sad. There are no tears. I feel relief. Then I think about our precious children. That is the ONLY reason we are still together. My life is going to be hard either way. Theirs will be much harder if we get divorced. I shed many tears over their precious lives. Anyhow….back to it. Don’t feel bad if these things don’t work. There is nothing wrong with you. Infact you are amazing. I would like to think blessings are awaiting people who love unconditionally….
I know how you are feeling. The more love I gave that man, the worse he treated me. What is so wrong with us, that when we give our all to our spouses, that it always ends up throw in our faces? This article is crap.
I disagree that the article is crap, it just doesn’t apply to situations in which one of the parties is a sociopath or worse. Been there, divorced him to save my life. It’s a sad fact, but a sociopath thrives on being with someone who follows advice like that in this article. It’s a welcome mat for their abuse. But that doesn’t mean the advice is all bad. My advice? Do what makes the best sense for your specific situation. Good luck! I wouldn’t go back to that situation for anything.
I too was in an abusive relationship. It sucks and I was given horrible advice like i wasn’t praying enough or when I saw he start to get up set I should go clean something……….
Rob, please go to marriage counselling! It is so worth it. I’m sure your wife isn’t trying to hurt you. You guys can work it out and be happy again, you really can!
This sounds like she has some insecurity with herself and it has nothing to do with you at all. It’s easy to “loose” your sense of self as a mother and wife. I went thru something similar for me it was body image issues. Since taking action and losing 30lbs I feel so much better about myself and everyone is happier at home 🙂
Your words also sound like my ex’s… but I used to tell him, you keep feeding me bread and I’m dying of thirst! Sometimes it really isn’t about what you are doing, but what isn’t being done. In my case it was plenty of money and material things, but also plenty of addiction issues, and the “I provide everything” didn’t compete with the exchange of watching the man I married, die away. Sometimes you have to listen to words you don’t want to hear… stop listening to how much you give, and listen to what is needed. Just a thought.
rob, I would do whatever it takes to break the mundane cycle.
It is easy to fall into a rut, you are in your 14th year, I am in my 11th year, so yeah, but it is hard when life becomes a rut, and when looking after the kids is a chore. But try and take a break, take holidays, and yeah, see a counseller if that will help. But also, if she is pulling away from you physically, it means that she is miles away from you emotionally.
In every case I have seen this happen, it did not work well, and I would not be surprised if she has already found someone else on the side and simply living with you for the sake of the kids.
I have seen this happen many times.
Find someone to take your kids for awhile and go away together for 4 or more days. No TV, no phones, no computers, just each other. Bring a book and read to each other. We did that at about the same stage you are in and it saved our marriage. We have been married 30 years now and I am more in love with him now than I was when we got married. I was like your wife. I concentrated on my job, my house and my kids and had gotten the attitude that I deserved it when my husband did anything for me. I just always assumed he would be there. I needed an attitude adjustment but I also needed to get help in the form of antidepressants. Hold hands, talk about how you feel and make love to each other several times a day. Concentrate on “what can I do for you?” and not on “you don’t appreciate me”. Say “I feel” not “you ALWAYS or you NEVER”. He still is totally oblivious to how much I do just to keep our house livable and food in the refrigerator. I have learned that a simple “thank you for mowing” or “snow-blowing” goes a long way.
You say you’ve tried everything to make her happy. men and women are very complicated, but have you tried to see which is what makes her happy?
In other comments, I read of a man trying to make his wife happy with material things, gifts, dinners at expensive places.
But the gifts do not necessarily make women happy.
Seek help from a counselor, psychologist, coach, or read the book “Five Love Languages​​” by Gary Chapman.
I want you to be happy
Rob, I have watched a TV show called “wife Swap” where the wives trade lives with another wife for 2 weeks. There is no physical relations on the show and they have their own sleeping quarters, just to be clear. The first week they do things as the other wife has written out in her manual. Then the following week she runs the “new” household as she would at home. Occasionally, they do a show and switch it up and call it, “Husband Swap” week, where the husbands trade families for 2 weeks. They pick homes that are the opposite of what you are used to which helps people see new ways of doing things. This show has changed many lives for the better after the “swap”. Ungrateful spouses come away with a new appreciation for their spouse and the children appreciate the “door mat” Dad or Mom and begin to pitch in and help around the house. I think you should be the one to swap. It may save your relationship! I can empathize with you, but from a woman’s point of view. SS
So true–these relationships happen quite commonly and why, while well-meaning, the original article made me wince a few times because selflessness can be problematic when taken advantage of. I address those concerns in my rebuttal here: http://centerforwomenspsychology.wordpress.com/2013/11/04/marriage-isnt-for-me-really/