Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
I think this article is great! I really needed to hear it myself. I was just married a little over a year ago and marriage is tough. It’s true.. God created “marriage” in the form of man and woman not for ourselves but ultimately for HIS glory. Yes, he gave us marriage for pleasure.. and for strength, too. But, ultimately our marriage isn’t supposed to be all about ourselves. If you fell in love and got married, 9 times out of 10 you can make it work. I’m not saying women (or men) who are verbally/physically abused or have cheating spouses need to stay married. Under certain circumstances like these I think it is okay to separate/divorce. However, if you are divorcing just because you “fell out of love” it’s not true. Who on earth has divorced without any hurt feelings and with no broken heart? Probably no one. That’s because they DID love each other. They just made their marriages about “themselves” and didn’t give any kind of selfless love that Seth here is talking about. It’s called agape love. UNCONDITIONAL. Wouldn’t we all like to be loved like that? Well, then let’s learn to love our spouses like that FIRST. All you “debate” people (who seem to just find any ol’ argument to debate) the reason he wrote this article in the first place is because he finally came to this realization. If it wasn’t meant for you today then move on. No need to be rude.
Jenny I was married for ten years and after third year I had 2 kids to think about this stage I knew I wanted a divorce but I stayed married to him for the kids sake. My main issue with my husband then Dan was he left me 3 times when I was pregnant to his daughter and this hurt me so badly I lost all trust and any feeling of love I had for Dan. Dan never helped to discipline the children evrytime I tried he always used to tell the kids dont worry about what Mum says she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I think 2 people can work out a marriage but they both have to want to try, in my case Dan didn’t want to try we went to councillors he never listened to what they said. Going there was a waste of time and money I fell out of love with Dan this can happen it happened to me. Everyone is not the same. Our divorce was not nasty I stayed friends with Dan for the kids sake, and I am better friends with Dan now than when I was married to him.
I agree. There are some who willingly decide to USE love as a tool to manipulate ect. Broken people…I do wonder if they even have enough something inside to realise how much Damage they inftict. We will probably never know.