Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
SAD as I have been married 19 years now and its AMAZING. The best thing that I ever did. When you marry your best friend, it is such a good journey. Todays young people just don’t try hard enough and its sad because one day you just get OLD and you are left all ALONE.
Being married can be a great source of joy and happiness, but there can be joy and happiness in other relationships as well. I am ALONE in my marriage. The thought of spending eternity with this man makes me sick. Anyhow, I have many other wonderful relationships. I will never be alone.
KT you are NEVER alone. There are so many people around you who love you. But sometimes it can be better to have a divorce and get out of an abusive relationship. Your children will thank you. I know because I thank my mom every day for having the courage to leave.
KT with regards to your comment of “Is it better for them to have a broken home, but me to be whole?” I’m a 25 year old who moved out of a toxic fucking family environment about 5 years ago. I would not advise prolonging an unhealthy relationship “for the children”. Maybe in theory if you kept all the conflict beneath a fake veneer surface so that the kids “think” that its all good, but honestly kids are smart and see through more than you think. So as a kid of parents who “stuck together for the kids” I think the whole notion of staying together for the kids is so fucking backwards and we would have all been better off with out the constant conflict.
KT,
You are being abused. You know it. It doesn’t have to become physical for it to be abuse. You need to go. Now. The best thing you can do is teach your children how NOT to have a dysfunctional relationship. They see, they know, they feel. Yes, divorce is hard, but if you ever get the opportunity to be in a loving, caring, God-centered relationship, your children will learn that and it will translate into their own relationships. They deserve to see, learn and know what a real marriage should look like just as much as you deserve to be whole. This IS for the love of your children, and yourself. Don’t tolerate any more cheating, any more verbal abuse, or any more controlling behavior.
I went through marriage counseling with my ex and the counselor told me that as long as I still had feelings, hate included, he could help the marriage. When I got to the point of complacency, it was over. Hate is not the opposite of love. Complacency is.
I will pray for you. You know the gospel teachings. You know you have enough to divorce. May God give you the strength to make the right decision for your family.
I was married for 25 years, but when my second child left for college I began to realize I would not be happy being with my wife for another 20+ years (yes, that is selfish). I looked back on the 25 years and realized I had done a lot of things to make my wife happy – but my heart wasn’t in it and certain things I did because she expected it (flowers on Valentines’s day). And she never showed passion or emotion for anything, e.g. after a meal at a truly fabulous restaurant (both by my standards, critics and friends) I asked her how was the dinner and her reply without enthusiasm was “It was good.” So, yes, I will now be selfish to look for someone I can truly be UNSELFISH with…She still loves me but very angry I want a divorce. At least I can’t be blamed for having found someone else…but I want out so I CAN find someone else
PS: About 2 years ago my college roommate (haven’t seen in 20+ years) called to let me know his wife told him “I don’t love you anymore and want a divorce” no boyfriend…just “wants more out of life”. He was stunned and upset. Today he has a girlfriend and says it’s the best thing that ever happened to him (they split as boys were entering college). I guess I am saying even if the marriage is terrible, it is better for children to be mad/upset/unhappy to hear the news when they are adult rather than younger.
Gill Gamma 3
KT,
I am sorry that you have to be going through this trial right now. One thing that I can offer you is the suggestion to make it a priority to pray for your husband. I know it doesn’t seem right that you should pray for a man that doesn’t deserve a second of your time but the second you start praying it takes things out of your hands and puts them in Gods.