Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
I loved this article when I had first read it and even let it guide my actions often in my own marriage. although, I feel that it is missing something that through my own experience I may be able to elaborate on. I have been married for 10 years and until about a year ago was under the impression that I was doing my part. I worked, I did my share of the housework, and my share of helping with our children. However I was selfish about one thing. A lot of nights after everything had settled down I would take that time for my own hobbies rather than spend time with my wife. This came to a head when I found out that for the better part of a year she had gotten involved in an emotional long distance affair to fill that void. Since then we have had a great many uncomfortable talks with the goal of repairing that rift and centering back on the family. During this time I returned to this article and thought to myself,”I’ve done so much neglecting and didn’t even know it. Now’s the time to show her how much I truly love her.” I’ve let go of my hobbies, and the friends that I had sometimes put before her. But in all honesty I am constantly ignored or pushed aside for her own needs now. I feel my actions have come too late. So this is were our experiences differ. You state that Kim laid down what you had done and showed an outpouring of love. Whereas in my situation she seems to harbor it still. So if I had one thing to add to your article is that, yes marriage isn’t for me, but it is for “we”. The mentality of what can I do for her only gets you so far if that feeling or action isn’t mutual. That the mind set which you describe must exist within both parties and that you must love each other in the way that the other wants to be loved, not how you want to be loved.