Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Father’s Advice
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple:Â marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Marriage Isn’t For You
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
After a marriage of almost 52 years, I think I can speak a little bit about this post. To me marriage is about making each other happy, unselfishly. You don’t give love to get it back. You do it because you truly love and want to make your spouse happy. Yes, you have to like yourself, take care of yourself and at times maybe do something for your husband that he likes, even though you might want not want to do it. That’s called un-selfish love. For over 25 yrs. I always did everything to make my husband happy, the extra attention, the special meals, going out of my way to compliment him as I was so proud of what he had accomplished with his job. I loved him 25 yrs. later as much as the day I married him. I thought we had the perfect marriage, but I was so wrong. He strayed for 3 yrs. and I had no idea because I trusted him so much and never saw any signs, but of course I wasn’t looking for them. Now that I know more about affairs, I can look back and see the signs that he had changed during that time. I thought, “How could he, I thought he loved me, but the bottom line is he loved himself more.” Everything was always about him. I never realized during those first 25 yrs. that I was doing all the giving and he was doing all the taking. He controlled me, even though I resisted it and stuck up for myself, but since he earned the living, I was from the old school and did what my Mom did. So, one point is, in regards to giving and receiving in marriage is it’s got to be on both parts. You can’t have a marriage with a selfish person who only thinks of his happiness and never gives you the freedom or blessing if you want to do something that he doesn’t approve of. You have to fight for it and after a while, sometimes it’s easier to keep the peace.
I stayed in the marriage, but if I had known the whole truth about the affair from the beginning, I would have got out. Now, fast forward 25 years later after some of his drinking habits, stock market crash made him very difficult to live with and I questioned, “Why did I stay to be treated like this again?” Then everything about the affair came back to me that even with 5 yrs, of therapy (he only showed up for appearance) not getting the answer’s I needed to understand why or what actually happened due to all the lies, I am questioning my whole life with him. Where was the remorse after I was told about the affair? All he did was try and hide everything. I didn’t feel the love, just him scared that he had had his fun, got caught and was now going to lose his marriage and maybe his job, since she was married and a co-worker. So, even with therapy and him not drinking for the past 2 yrs. I realize that about 40 yrs. of my life, I have lived with a man that I gave my heart to and he just stuck a knife through it. Yes, he wants it to work now, is trying, but I can’t seem to forget all the special things he did for her during those 3 yrs. and never did those for me. How he never praised me or put me first in his life. It was his job, alcohol, his needs and me last. Even the children didn’t fit into the picture.
Speaking about family and how it’s suppose to be a part of why you get married. I don’t agree at all, your marrying the person and yes you should get along with your prospective in-laws, but they aren’t going to hold your marriage together. In our situation right now, I’m the one to blame for bringing up something that happened 25 yrs. ago by my children. They are accusing me of mental abuse of their Dad and that I am tearing our family apart. They forgot that I wasn’t the one who strayed, who gave my love and everything to their Dad. That I did forgive him and move on for over 20 yrs. and only his recent behavior brought it all back again.
This may be off topic in some parts, but my goal was to let you know, that marriage is a two way street. You should both look out for each other, without any selfishness in what you get in return. It should be done just because you love your spouse and want the best for them. Plus last of all, make your marriage a top priority and both of you should always remember the day you got married and that special love. Marriage has got to be nourished to thrive and if you both do it, not just one, then it should be a happy one.
Thank you for your wisdom.